How to Be a Great Talk Show Guest

No, you will not have to shave your head, sleep with your daughter’s boyfriend, or chant to Dali Llama to get on a talk show. I’ve been on over 250 television shows and I have never had to compromise myself, I felt like smacking another guest or two, but never compromised myself and yet I keep getting asked back as a favored guest.

I am a stand up comic (there are thousands), I am also a lecturer (interesting), an author (millions of em) and The Guinness Book of Worlds Records Fastest talking Female (Ah ha! – only one of them!) Bingo. So am I saying that you have to break a world record to get on a talk show? No, but I am saying that you have to have something that makes you stand out, something that you are an expert at. You need a hook. That hook will get you on the show, and then you can promote your product.

My hook has lead me to read popular song lyrics on TRL – The Carson Daly show (where they also promoted my new book), teach kids how to speed talk on the New Mickey Mouse Show (which lead to other bookings) and order the entire left side of a Chinese menu in under twenty seconds on The Late Show (which became a great promotional piece for my corporate package.)

But what if you don’t have a specialty? Make one up. There has to be something that you know a lot about or can at least talk about with interest. I have also been on with topics ranging from; blondes vs. brunettes, single moms Vs single dads, a mother against porn on the Internet, and traveling moms and their kids. Why do I do it? Because it’s exposure, because I get paid since I’m in the union, and because I can talk passionately about these topics while making it fun.

The very first talk show I was on was the Joe Franklin Show. I went on as the creator of the Pet Flea. Determined to get on television, I sat home one night and sewed hundreds of tiny fleas out of red fuzzy cloth. I stuck them in a matchbox, made up an authenticity certificate and decided to sell Pet Fleas at the Flea Market. I called up the Joe Franklin show and pitched my idea. After many attempts and hearing some Lurch sound alike say “My friend, my friend, Call back Monday at 2?, Call back Tues. at 4:17?, I finally got through and was booked on the show with Jackie Mason. I was nervous, my fleas were calm, but I had a great time. From then on I was hooked.

After doing talk shows for twenty years I can say there are five main ingredients to being a great talk show guest:
1) ATTITUDE – be opinionated but not conceited;
2) HUMOR – joke around a lot. Everyone likes to laugh and it usually gives you the upper edge;
3) BE A PERCEIVED EXPERT – know your subject. Have three keys points memorized that you want to bring out;
4) PACKAGING – It’s not so much what you sell but how you sell it. There are millions of sex therapists but only one 4 foot 10 midget with a giggle, Dr. Ruth that got herself known in every household, and
5) remember the rule of “yes and….”

“Yes and” is the producer or talk show host’s dream. Who the hell wants to hear a bunch of one word answers? That’s like root canal at the dentist. Very painful. If you are asked a simple question like “Is it true you see dead people?’ Don’t just say “yes” period, end of statement. Say “Yes AND I’ve had a lot of crazy experiences.” This leads the host to ask more questions and makes for a better interview. You can entertain with your personality, you don’t have to smack someone on the head with a chair, or sleep with an aborigines soothe sayer to get attention.

Whatever your topic, have the craziest stories ready. NICE IS BORING. ORDINARY IS BORING. Think ratings, think entertainment, think this is your 15 minutes of fame, don’t screw it up. Be alert , look at the camera, debate with other guests, laugh and smile a lot, think that you are just talking to a bunch of friends around the house, not that hundreds of millions of people are watching you.

Also be polite but aggressive. Don’t cross talk, but make sure you are not just warming up a chair. Another words, don’t wait until spoken to. After you have finished your segment, if you are still sitting on panel, chime in everynow and then. When I did the Sally Jessie Show the first time I was on a segment called Blondes vs. Brunettes. One blonde on the panel said “I lost weight because I became a blonde.” I nearly gagged at this statement. I said “Really? If it was that simple Weight Watchers would hand everybody a bottle of dye and say see ya in the morning.” The audience went wild with applause. You don’t have to bed down with a sailor mouth to get your message across. Do you sit around your kitchen table and only speak when spoken to? If you do I like to send my kid to your house for a week. This is showbiz. You need to be an entertaining expert…think Dr. Phil.

So how do you get on a talk show? Have your agent call or call them up yourself. Tell them in one paragraph what you do that makes you special. Tell them your topic or suggest one. If you are outgoing and can talk articulately, then the talk shows will want you. They need you. They have 52 weeks a year to fill, you can be part of it. Just get your act together and take it on the show.

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